quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
