This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
