Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
