Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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