I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
