I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize