I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
There r osticjed everywhere
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
