i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
