I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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