my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
