No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
