K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
