if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
