Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
