i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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