she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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