I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
