He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
i think my cat just said my name.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Help me help you realize you are a moron
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
