I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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