Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
