My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
