Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
