You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
