life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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