You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
