Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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