i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
