I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Randomize