I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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