if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
