She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
