great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
