These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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