Betty ford says i'm here all night
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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