Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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