mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
