at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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