Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
