Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize