I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
