I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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