i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Sorry my hands just texted you
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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