Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
