there's paper in my vomit.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
