I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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