I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
