If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize