Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
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