oh god the rape fog is back!
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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