also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
