do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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