2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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