Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
