I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
