I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
