Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize