ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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