I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
